It’s not only until I had my bub, did I see/recognise how much my parents have influenced how I think and the person I had become … and how dangerous that actually is …. (the “power” we have as parents”)
For the as long as I could remember, my mother would share her views about having children with me, which were largely that children were hard work, and she would never want more than on because of the pain of child birth, that life was hard so bringing and other life into this world was going to be a struggle for both the mother and the child … just all round negative considerations of having children.
(I’d like to add here, that my mother isn’t a horrible person, and I know she did not mean to just focus on the negative as such, but that is her view. I don’t doubt she loves me very much and has no regrets about having me. Funnily, she would tell me how much she had always wanted and thought of having a family of her own, despite having those views.)
Looking back to who I was in my mid to late twenties, I remember thinking that I didn’t want children, and I vividly remember siting that life was hard, and it was simply selfish to bring a child into this world because ultimately the people that want children are doing it for their own selfish reasons (either to have a little person that carried forward a part of them, or in the Chinese tradition – someone to look after them as they got older). It’s scary enough to hear those words, but what’s scarier (for me) is that I genuinely believed it … that children were nothing but a burden on a person, and that there is no real GOOD reason why we should have a child, let alone more than one.
Whilst it’s easy to “blame” other’s for how we were raised, ultimately we are our own thinking individuals, with the ability to challenge ideas and thoughts …. although, admittedly it is much harder to challenge those ideas when you haven’t seen a different version of it (being an only child, I didn’t see what it was like to have a child introduced into the family, and being far away from cousins etc, didn’t really get to experience any other families).
So what am I trying to say? …. I guess I’m pondering about how (or if we can) “break” such a cycle … I guess I take comfort in trusting that the source of “truth” which I am trying to life my life, and as an example/witness to my bub, is God’s law, His words, His directions, His reasons ultimately His purpose.
Children are a blessing, and a gift from God. Family’s are a blessing if He has decided that is what you will have in the short time you have on this earth before going to our forever home’s with him.
It has also made me think twice (or at least on occasions reflect) on what I am actually “showing” to my child, what will she see/hear/understand/assume from what I say, do, think and feel.
It doesn’t make it any easier though, we by nature are sinners (we are faulty to say the least), how often our thoughts/actions/words are disobedient to God, and by that I mean, not loving as he has commanded us to do.
So today I pray…. “Dear Father, I thank you for the Holy Spirit, for your Grace … because without it, we wold have no chance at all to be a different person, to change from our ways, to get closer to what is right, not just for those we love here on this earth, but for your glory. Forgive me Father, for the times I fail so miserably and hurt not only those around me, but you in my disobedience and rejection of you. Amen”